Alpha males differ little from one tribe of baboons to the next. They share
- a contempt for all things feminine
- an intense desire to be pandered to by females
- a need to dominate every aspect of their tribe
- an inevitable and vulnerable old age which leaves them open to
- a beating from the new kid on the block
- banishment, and
- a horrible death at the hands of strangers because they never learned to take care of themselves when alpha males.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn and Rupert Murdoch may have been forewarned of their destiny had they known anything about baboons. They did not and so they have become the two most recently dethroned human alpha males to hit the headlines.
Only once did I pity an alpha male. His name was Peter, at least in human speak. He played caregiver to the underage baboons in our garden while the rest of the troop went out to forage.
They would bring him back yummy tidbits which he’d munch through slowly, doing the chew it 22 times routine, while wearing the expression of a Greek philosopher. When the snack was finished he’d wipe his hands on the leaves of a tree with the same fastidious care a dairymaid applied to her hygiene.
He never stopped me from reprimanding his wards for romping through the house, and he never showed aggression toward me. We spent several years sharing this comfortable respect for boundaries until he was beaten and banished from the tribe by the new alpha male.
Peter left the safety of the range he had known and became a bandit who ambushed and stole along the highways and down hidden rural roads. A bounty was set and some foul soul shot him as he lay sleeping among the rocks, worn out and probably ready to die.
Peter’s loss left a space inside me for a while, but he was the exception.
All other alpha males deserve their fate.
